


spark / boom

by peachfuzz (johniaurens)



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Autistic Spencer Reid, Dom/sub Undertones, F/F, F/M, M/M, Polyamory, and reid is aroace spec and nb but lets Not get into the specifics rn, everyone is bi, except for emily who is my favorite lesbian, except for rossi, honestly literally everyone is involved with each other & they all belong in the shame basement, i mean does that surprise anyone its not rly Relevant to the fic but here comes, rossi only cares abt pasta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 13:56:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5377733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johniaurens/pseuds/peachfuzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's different with Hotch. It always is.</p><p>// in which everyone copes. more or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	spark / boom

**Author's Note:**

> 1) this is set during an unspecified season, one of them i'm sure but which one i have no idea  
> 2) "im a spark and youre a boom" is from COOL by troye sivan. hotch is spark. every1 else is boom. b/c hotch is soft & everyone else is loud.  
> 3) look at these boohbahs get gay & gross  
> 4) its been a year. i tried

They have been doing this for years now and Spencer still can't figure Hotch out most of the time.

With Derek it's always after a bad case. It's always rough and _there_ and it _almost_ hurts every time, that good kind of pain that gives him an excuse to cry and get away with it, and they both accept it, deal with their feelings, and move on. Later, they will curl up together on a bed, on a couch, on the floor, wherever, and Derek will shove all ten of his fingers into Spencer's hair and call him _pretty boy,_ and Spencer will pretend to be offended and Derek will pretend to believe him, and the rest of the team will pretend not to see. Spencer will pretend he is not looking at Hotch.

JJ comes to him when she needs to be in control. She is never rough but sometimes something about her makes him weak and he drops straight to his knees, and sometimes he doesn't, and either way it's okay, and JJ always kisses him the longest. He knows that Emily is terrified of giving herself to anyone like that, even JJ, and that's okay too. JJ loves her and she loves JJ and whether they're working towards it or not isn't really his business but either way both him and JJ know that it isn't just about the dominance. Sometimes he goes to JJ and they sit very still for hours at a time, Spencer situated on her lap with noise canceling earphones on while Emily and JJ talk. They always talk quietly when Spencer sits between them. He closes his eyes and pretends he doesn't exist. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't, because 1) anxiety works mysterious ways and 2) eventually JJ will have to get up to pee. Sometimes Spencer just sits there, pretending he doesn't realize that Hotch is staring at him.

See, the thing with Hotch is that he never comes on strong. Not 'not too strong', like with JJ, who always watches him for several minutes to determine whether he's up for anything before she even thinks about approaching him and even then she is always cautious and gentle. In fact, sometimes Reid thinks Hotch never even _comes on_ at all. He doesn't know if it's because he just can't pick up hints or because Hotch is so desperate not to be noticed or if it's a combination of the two, but God, either way Hotch is always coming too late and he's always noticing too late.

With Hotch it's always... Well, it's hard to say exactly what it is with Hotch. There's no _always_ , and Reid thinks that's what scares him the most. Usually it's desperate. Usually it starts out by Hotch clinging onto Reid's sweater with both hands. Hotch is so touch deprived most of the time Reid has sent him into a panic attack before with just his hands on Hotch's shoulders, and he gets it, he really does, with his own anxiety and sensory issues, but God – it just seems to happen so often with Hotch. It breaks his heart. He wishes Hotch would come to him more often, but he never does. Like he said – it's different with Hotch.  
Usually Reid has to first sit him on the floor and then coax him to lay back. Sometimes he just lays next to him, their sides just barely touching, their hands and arms overlapping. Sometimes even that is too much for Hotch. Sometimes they just lay on the floor, Hotch flat on his back, trying his hardest to ground himself, with Spencer a foot away, his arm extended so that Hotch can just barely feel his cool fingers on his arm. Sometimes Hotch needs Spencer to lay himself down on top of him, just hold him down. Sometimes he wraps his arms around Spencer and holds onto him tight like he's scared he'll leave. Sometimes he doesn't.  
Either way, it always makes him shiver. Hotch never explains and Spencer never asks, and his hands are always rough but in a completely different way than with Morgan. There's a sense of urgency with both of them, but Hotch is the only one that apologizes for it (for needing Spencer? For falling apart? For coping?) with his whole body. Never with his words. Always with his eyes, his lips, his hands.

It almost reminds him of Penelope. They're both very soft and gentle about this whole ordeal, but with Penelope there is always an air of nervous fidgeting, like she doesn't quite know what to do with her hands and fingers and feet. Penelope always comes to him with her perfume and her long fingernails and her hairspray and, most importantly, her words.  
With Hotch, there is only silence. And the barely there, just noticeable trembling, the press of his fingernails against his own palms, and then, slowly, into them.  
Spencer isn't sure if it's guilt, or pride, or shame, or something else entirely that neither of them can put a finger on, but regardless, it's different. It always is. With Hotch, it's always different.  
Spencer is not sure if he likes it. He knows they promised they would never judge each other for coping, but Spencer isn't sure if Hotch is coping.

_i’m a spark and you're a boom..._


End file.
